Baby Loss awareness week. Sarah's story.
Updated: Oct 24, 2020
"Teddy was the happiest of accidents, we had endured many losses prior to my 3rd son so to see those two lines appears was one of both shock and utter joy. I quickly adapted to the thought of 2 more tiny feet pattering across my floor and my heart immediately grew to accommodate this new arrival. I instantly felt connected to this little life growing inside of me. We never suspected anything was wrong, no symptoms, no inklings.. I had awful morning sickness which I took as a good sign all was well. "
"We had a late first scan and prepared for what should of been the flickering image of our baby on the screen. I will never forget that day, as they scanned my belly I beamed at my husband, but then as the minutes ticked a heavy feeling began to form. I had been here before so I knew it shouldn’t take so long. “Have you had bleeding” they asked? Like a lead weight my heart sank... I knew. 5 minutes of scanning, I finally watched him place his equipment down. Silence... followed by “I’m afraid your baby has died...” That was the moment everything changed, it was as though someone switched off my light. I was irreversibly changed."
" My husband tried to care for me whilst trying to make sense of his own grief. I was so angry at him but didn’t know why. Eventually we both retreated into our shells, viewing each other as cruel reminder of events. For the longest time we didn’t think our marriage would survive but slowly I realised that through the devastating loss of our son we could become stronger, that his loss could bring us closer and that to lose something else would be even more tragic. We began to talk, we found a way to acknowledge his life every year by letting a balloon go and visiting the special place we have for him."
" I have learnt people forget very quickly, there is a brief grace period when losing a baby tha
t isn’t full term, after that it’s business as usual. Well meaning people will say comments like “oh you can try again” that can be truly hurtful but I realised that people just don’t know what to say so this is why I whole heartedly support BLAW to spread awareness so people can learn how to support those suffering loss. Sometimes just a simple “I’m sorry” or just friendly face to put the kettle on goes a long. I have a few friends who have opened up about loss and we support each other now. We need to break the silence surrounding loss."
I now have a beautiful rainbow baby, from the moment the test came back positive I never relaxed, every scan we held our breathes waiting for the bad news that never came. We held off telling people we were expecting until I was 22weeks and we even avoided announcing our c-section date as I had a deep rooted fear we would never bring him home. I cried throughout my surgery. It wasn’t an enjoyable pregnancy, I felt robbed of all the joyous moments. He has been a huge part in our healing journey, we gave him the middle name Bear so he will forever be connected to his older sibling Teddy. Grief is not a linear process, you cannot compare your journey to anyone else’s. Whether your baby was 5 wks or 40weeks, never let anyone make you feel your emotions are not valid. Talking helps, if not with family or friends there are many amazing charities you can reach out too. And lastly be kind to yourself. I will always remember my son and live has moved on but by telling my story a part of him lives on."
Thank you so much Sarah for this moving account. I know that Sarah is big supporter of SANDS charity. They can offer support after the loss of a baby as well as signposting you to other helpful support organisations and resources.